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Standing there in the kitchen it felt like the world was spinning so fast and just wouldn’t stop. Would the knife reach the vain in my wrist? My mind racing. I have to stop but I can’t handle this anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. My mind flooded with thoughts of “do it” “do it” but suddenly I stopped. I dropped the knife. And that’s where it all begins. The time I almost died….
All day long I knew something was off. My chest was heavy. My mind clouded. Palms sweaty. It felt like the whole world was spiraling off into nothing. It was one night In December when the world almost went dark and withered away. It happened over a sink in the kitchen which had green cupboards and a grey countertop top. The floorboards were a burnt orange kinda color. Everything around was apple themed. From the Knick knacks, to the wall decals everything. The smell of dinner still in the air and the freshly washed dishes. Nothing was making sense. Standing there in the kitchen, what was gonna happen next? Was this the end? Everything was so blurry. I couldn’t feel. The house as a whole was hot, my hands sweaty from heat and nerves. Around the house you could see the tree lit up, the garland hanging all the decorations neatly placed. The feeling was weird.. what’s gonna happen next?
As I was standing there everyone around me was in a state of anger and shock. The littlest one was asleep upstairs in here room. She couldn’t hear a single sound. Everyone else was in a different mood. They didn’t know what to think. Previously before this there was a lot of yelling and fighting. I was looked in the eyes and told a lot of horrible things… “it’s sucks to be the one nobody wants” “your a coward” “there’s something seriously wrong with you” these were words spoken to me by my step mom. She had never liked me. To her I was just another mouth to feed. I meant nothing to her. She overlooked me so many times and assumed I would be nothing. She was the cause of this. She was the reason I was in despair and depressed. She looked at me like I was nothing and it hurt. The unforsaken look in her face when she looked upon my face. It was horrible. She never gave me a chance. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. It was hell.
A little while after, I was lectured. Ridiculed. I got it all. They looked at me like I wasn’t even there. None of this was making sense. “They don’t need me here” “I’m not good enough and never will be”. The few thoughts that ran through my head during the situation. You may joy understand why this is happening but let me explain. I am the type of person to let people say and do whatever they want and I wouldn’t say a word. I don’t express my emotions out loud. I tend to be really shy unless I’m comfortable around you. I don’t have the best opinions about myself. I have many insecurities and struggle a lot with overthinking. I’m smart but can also be extremely airheaded af times. It just depends on the day. There’s a lot that tends to get to me but I’m considerably afraid of talking to people about my problems because I feel guilty and I’m scared of rejection. Therefore I leave it in until I eventually snap. I had left so much inside for so long that I lost all control of my own mental ability and snapped.. in the way I never thought I would. I thought that this was the day I wouldn’t be able to see anyone ever again. I was so over being in constant pain that I couldn’t handle. But. Yet to this day I regret what I did because I could’ve lost the two girls that mean the most to me. My sisters.
These are everyday issues that teens and young adults endure. This is not a true story. It’s based on the reality that unfortunately many young teens and adults have to go through. Let this be a lesson to you that although sometimes it’s hard to reach out there are many sources of amazing people who are willing to lend a helping hand to help you out of the dark place that you might be in. Whether you’re struggling mentally, physically, or emotionally there’s people who will help you out. Always remember you’re stronger than ever and can overcome any obstacle with someone by your side.
In final analysis, life teaches you many different lessons. You struggle beyond belief at times. But in order to overcome these obstacles you need to work through problems and let others help. At times all you may need is another’s support. This may not be something that is easy for every individual but it helps. Don’t try to leave before your time because it leaves your family and friends behind wondering what they did wrong. You’re stronger than ever. Always remember you have many options not just taking your life.