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*sigh*

Y’know, it’s easy to just say what everyone expects me to say about this awful movie. Everyone knows that this movie is atrocious, everyone knows why, and everyone has already seen tons of people explain every iota of terrible that this movie has to offer. So, the question arises: what the heck am I doing here, then? Well, I’m not going to sit here and say that this movie is actually good, because that statement would make even the most notorious of liars blush. However, many people tend to liken this movie to the likes of other bad movies, ones that people claim fit into the category of “so bad, it’s good.” The interesting question that this movie seems to bring up is not whether it’s good or bad – that one’s obvious from the premise alone – but rather, “Is this movie bad enough to where it becomes enjoyably bad?” The short answer is, well, no, but the long answer requires a bit more explaining.

If there was any way to describe the entirety of the movie, I’d say it’s somewhere close to that odd tingling feeling you get when you sit on your foot for too long – it’s annoying and isn’t really that pleasant, but it’s not enough to complain about it because, eventually, it’ll just leave your memory due to how forgettable it is. The plot revolves around Gene, who is a “meh” emoji, but he discovers that he can express a wide variety of emotions and isn’t accepted by the rest of the emojis in Textopolis because of this defect. Already, this makes the viewer ask many questions that the movie will never answer, such as “But a car emoji can express many emotions because it’s a car, so where’s the problem with Gene really if only some emojis can express multiple emotions and others aren’t?;” “Why is Gene such an outcast in the first place, seeing as the emotion doesn’t matter unless it needs to be presented when sent in a text?;” and “What is the easiest way that I can get my money back legally?” Gene believes that he’s ready to be sent in a text as a “meh”, but, when the time comes where he’s needed, he messes up. Now, this all takes place in the phone of Alex, whose entire character can be surmised up into one phrase: he likes this girl named Addie. The movie only gives these two a total of about three scenes and their entire purpose is to set up the main plot, so, other than them being just another problem, there’s little point in mentioning what happens. Anyway, Gene is then casted out further, and he, with the help of his friend Hi-5, who is Generic Chubby Best Friend Comic Relief #741, and Jailbreak, a girl emoji who is just another generic character type, this time the love interest, travel through a bunch of product placements to reach the Dropbox whilst under the threat of the evil Smile Emoji who is also the leader of the rest of the emojis because there must be a corporate villain somewhere.

As you can see, this movie is filled with nothing but generic character stereotypes of stereotypes and a boringly predictable plot, and therein lies one of the biggest problems with this movie being “so bad it’s good.” Most bad movies are so outrageously bad that they just have to be talked about, whether it be an outrageous plot, laughably bad acting, or extremely shoddy animation. The Emoji Movie has none of these – a mediocre plot, mediocre characters, admittedly decent animation – nothing about this movie stands out as so bad that it needs to be talked about. It’s said about most movies that the worst thing they can do is be forgettable, as even a bad movie has its perks, so why do people even talk about this abomination as if it was just that bad? Well, it’s quite simple, as there is one thing that can be remembered about this movie: the premise.

The premise to this film, being centered around a largely modern idea, snatched everyone’s attention as all they could ask was “What in the world did we do to deserve this?” Just the idea that someone could make a movie like this was enough to send the internet into an outrage, making everyone talk about “that movie about the emojis.” It didn’t matter that the movie was very mediocre, because the damage had already been done by the trailers alone. This movie will be remembered, but not because of what it did, but, rather, what it was. It was a failure before it even came out, and it was exactly what everyone expected. It’s not even worth watching for a laugh, because, there are no laughs to be had with this movie. So, from one regular guy to another, I recommend that you stay as far away from this movie as possible to stop it from succeeding financially any more than it already has.

…also, Patrick Stewart played Poop. I mean, how?! You get the Sir Patrick Stewart, Captain Jean Picard, to play such an undignified, embarrassing role as Poop?! How could you, Emoji Movie? You disgust me, I’m out.