Restless.
Restless. As if you haven’t really met yourself yet. As if you’d passed yourself once in the fog, and your heart leapt – ‘Ah! There I Am! I’ve been missing that piece!’ But it happens too fast, and then that part of you disappears into the fog again. And you spend the rest of your days looking for it.”
It’s 1 AM. And I know that if I’m lucky, I’ll finally be able to fall asleep around 4:30AM.
It’s a cycle…a never ending cycle. I never sleep. And when I do, my mind is running around thinking all of the thoughts that I do when I’m awake. I’m restless.
I feel lost. I feel like I can’t find myself and be at peace. I feel like I have unanswered questions and thoughts, unsaid words and actions…I don’t sleep because of it.
I wish I could find another answer to the reason of why I’m restless. But the sad truth is I am restless because of the people in and out of my life.
Why do people leave without no reason? What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me? Where did this all turn sour?
I wish you could give me the answer. I wish the people who have left or done me wrong could tell me an exact reason as to what happened and where everything went wrong.
But I’ll never get an answer or I will never get the answer that I want. So I’ll restlessly toss and turn during the late nights and with a mind full of thoughts I’ll drift off into another restless sleep.
And I have never wanted to stop something more. I want to feel at peace. So why can’t I get that? Why can’t you give me that?
Whether it’s a heartfelt text to a friend that they ignored or finding out I’m blocked by someone I once thought was an amazing person. Whether it’s a customer yelling at me at work or a rude waiter in the restaurant I went to last night.
Why do people act the way that they do?
It leaves me restless. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. And all I do is think.
And after so long I get angry at myself because why do I care so much? Why do I care about things that shouldn’t matter or about people who don’t care about me?
It’s clear I’ll never get the answers that I need. I’ll never understand as much as I want to.
But still, every night I toss and turn thinking that maybe…just maybe. There is some good in people. And that everyone who has hurt me or walked away will come back and just explain why.
Every time I go to give up, a dream or thought just sparks hope in my heart. That’s why I can never let go.
So is it your fault that i’m restless or is it mine? I guess it’s a little of both.
But all I know is I am restless. I feel like I am constantly going through the same days and the same thoughts with no change. Wishing upon a star and every 11:11 that things could get easier. That I would get answers.
I was always taught to treat others how I wanted to be treated but every day I see that I always put in effort that others will never put out for me. I will always expect people to have as big of a heart as I do. And I will always expect people to react the way I want them to or to react how I would.
But they don’t. People are going to be who they want to be and I can’t change that. They are going to do what they feel is best in order to move on with their lives.
So as I watch the clock ticking, passing hour by hour, you will be sleeping. Dreaming happy thoughts. And I will be wide awake wishing I knew why people left. And why, in particular, they left me.
