Trigger warning: Talk of suicide, self-harm, alcohol and drug use.
On Tuesday, September 26, Bellwood-Antis High School hosted a guest speaker, Kristen Harootunian, to talk to the high school students and staff. Kristen was able to share her own personal story of how she has struggled with her mental health and how she was eventually able to get the help she needed.
Kristen grew up with an alcoholic mother and a father who weren’t present due to work travels. When Kristen was in 6th grade, her mother attempted and completed suicide. This left Kristen with childhood trauma that she dealt with through unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcohol, drugs, and self-harm. When Kristen was in high school she finally was able to accept help, but it was not easy for her.
Kristen experienced significant trauma as a child, from watching her mom struggle with alcohol, and then attempting and completing suicide. Kristen tried to avoid and ignore the elephant in the room, which was that her mom was an alcoholic. Growing up Kristen’s father was traveling the world for his work, so he wasn’t very present. On December 6, 2009 Kristen’s mom attempted and completed suicide. She returned to school two days after her mother passed away. Kristen was just in 6th grade and ignoring the grief and loss of her mom. When her dad would ask her how she’s doing, her reply would be “I’m fine”. The words “I’m fine” don’t actually mean someone is fine. And in this case, Kristen was definitely not fine.
Kristen started to struggle in silence. She was building a wall for the people closest to her. When Kristen would tell her dad she was fine, she really meant she was exhausted. “I’m fine” can also mean, “I don’t want to burden you with my issues”, and “what will people think?” Kristen was having really bad anxiety because of everything going on in her life, causing her to grind her teeth at night, suffer stomach aches, and experience nightmares. She was struggling in silence and turned to negative coping skills to ease her pain. She would self-harm because it was “an illusion of control”. She also turned to alcohol and drugs, and negative self-talk as a negative way of coping. She was struggling with severe anxiety and depression.
The self-harm, drug, and alcohol usage, Kristen became suicidal. She would think about dying, how and when, like it was something as normal to think about like the weather. During this time, Kristen’s GPA dropped. She didn’t apply to colleges because she didn’t think she was going to make it past the age of 18. Kristen went to treatment where she learned how to replace her negative coping skills with new positive ones. In therapy she learned that she should pick up her journal and write in it whenever she felt like she wanted to self-harm. Kristen would journal every hour, every minute, of every day. Instead of self-harm, she would journal. She wrote exactly how she was feeling and what was going on in her head down in that journal and was no longer suffering in silence. She finally got those feelings out and was able to tell someone, or something in this case, exactly how she was feeling without the thought of “What’re they going to think about me?”
What Kristen was able to realize and learn from her experiences is that “secrets keep us sick”, and the only way out of this “self-made prison” is to let people in. If you have trust issues, work through it but definitely don’t avoid it. She attended a recovery high school to finish her education and went onto college. Kristen has multiple therapy experiences that have proven to be successful. She continues to attend support groups regularly to maintain her ongoing sobriety. Kristen’s story proves it’s never too late or too early to get the help you may need. Now for work Kristen goes to schools, conferences, and other social events to tell her story to hopefully help end the stigma surrounding mental health. She also has a podcast where she talks more about mental health.
