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It always starts small. In ways we don’t expect that will shape our children…

I heard the other day two women discussing a situation about their children and birthday parties. It basically boiled down to one mother believing everyone should be invited to the child’s birthday party based on the belief of inclusion of all; and the other mother favoring her child inviting only those children her child was close to.

While I can see both sides to this argument, I felt that there was something much deeper going on that we were teaching our children in scenarios like these. Underneath the idea of “inclusion”, we teach our children to breed false, and possibly unhealthy, relationships under the guise of “equality”. However, all relationships in this life are NOT equal.

Unfortunately, this not only sets them up for a warped view of the future, it also draws a blueprint for keeping toxic relationships alive based solely on niceties for years to come. At some point we began disregarding the laws of true friendship, and abandoned them for an idea of everyone just “getting along”. It is not only something I am not in favor of, but I will gladly back up my children in their rejection of such ridiculous ideals. It essentially had built a devaluing of self and places an importance on others feelings without any regard for caring for ones own protection in a world where that IS required, like it or not. There will be some people, I will have to agree with my children on the choice to be on guard from, and possibly excommunicate.

Hear me out. I do not believe in shunning people based on them not being similar or of same mindedness as I. I fully support being polite and kind to everyone. But, because I believe in that, it means I also place a severe level of importance on self-kindness. So what does that mean exactly for me, and for my children? It means that I don’t believe in pretend friendships. It means that I support having a group of TRUE friends and allowing yourself to exit relationships that don’t have value. The kind of “friendships” that are toxic, shouldn’t be forced on our children. For years I put up with friendships, romantic relationships, and otherwise, because it seemed like that’s what life required. That to be a “good person” I needed to forgive and forget any harm against me and allow those who continually did damage to reign in my life. I allowed it for years. Turning myself into a doormat. All in the name of “friendship”. But the truth was, so very many of those relationships were incredibly toxic. And the poison of those relationships spread throughout my whole life. I should’ve walked away from them. I should’ve felt like it was okay to stand up for myself and cut them out like an infectious wound… But instead I allowed them to fester and take over whole limbs of my livelihood. Eventually I had to not only chop them off, but also huge chunks of my life because there was nearly nothing left that they hadn’t crawled into and turned hideously unrecognizable from who I once was. It is FAR more important to teach our children what to look for in a good friend, than to focus so much energy on accepting EVERYONE. I want to be very, very clear. In no way do I believe in putting down others or in creating a sense of superiority in my children. But it is a disservice to my girls to teach them that EVERYONE is a good friend. As it turns out, EVERYONE is not a safe and healthy person to be in a friendship, or any relationship with. Sometimes, in an effort to care for yourself and your heart, it is okay to say “no”.

Don’t feel pressured to invite the girl who hurts your feelings constantly.

Don’t put up the person who makes you doubt yourself or your worth.

Don’t stand beside anyone who insults you or tears you down.

Don’t allow the person who speaks unkindly to you, or about you, to be a part of your life.

It is OKAY, more than okay, to say no.

Toxic people shouldn’t be rewarded for their damage by allowing them to creep deeper into our lives. And yet, this is often the opposite of what we teach our children.

We teach our children that the “bully” is often just jealous or had a difficult home life. And while I agree that that is often the case for “bullies” or “mean girls”, it’s no excuse. And it doesn’t mean we should allow our children to be subjected to those kinds of relationships. I will not sacrifice my daughters’ hearts and self-worth for the sake of anything.

By all means, teach manners and thoughtfulness. Teach showing kindness to those that are different than us. Teach an open mindedness to others. But along with that, teach care for self, for your heart & feelings. Teach your children to feel empowered to choose only good friends. Friends that inspire, empower, and seek to build up one another. Or else, who are we teaching our children to have relationships with??

Even now, as a grown married woman with two children, I often second guess if I should allow someone who is unkind to me to be a part of my life… What sort of insanity is that?! It started somewhere… And I wonder what might be different for my children if they feel they have the power to choose who they allow themselves to be in relationship with.