Bellwood-Antis starts re-writing shameful past


Bellwood-Antis has begun the difficult process of rewriting its history. (Mara Bollinger)

Bellwood-Antis has opened the history books back up to rewrite its disgraceful past, following national trends.

Recently, publications have been editing famous authors’ books such as Roald Dahl, who wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Fantastic Mr. Fox, and The Witches.

Some words and terms used in the book have been deemed, “offensive” towards some groups and are being changed.

So, in order to be less offensive and appear better put together, Bellwood-Antis is editing its past, as well.


Starting off, instead of town founder Edward Bell taking the land that would become Bellwood from famous Iroquois Chief Logan, the re-writers have changed it to where the tribe was never here and our founder just stumbled upon this beautiful land.

According to the History of Antis Township, Chief Logan was said to be,  “the greatest of Indian Orators.” He gave nothing but respect and honor towards the white settlers, which some would call invaders, but the drunk settlers still intentionally shot out his eye in archery practice and made him lose the respect and leadership of his Iroquois tribe.

To avoid such offensive and violent images, new sources report he was given a small pension and was asked graciously asked to retire. He later died and his house was knocked down and The Bell Mansion was built.


To be less offensive towards Native Americans, B-A is changing Tuckahoe Street to Hescox Street. This is in commemoration of the great football player Jordan Hescox.

Football for B-A has always been top priority, so this is an amazing change being made. Compared to that old, irrelevant, and insensitive street name that held little to no importance, this may be the best adjustment.

B-A is also getting rid of DelGrosso’s because of its offensive label as “America’s oldest family sauce maker” on its sauce cans.

Now you may be thinking, “What is wrong with that?” Well, according to The University of Michigan and their recently released list of insensitive words, “old” is deemed unacceptable and non-inclusive to use among the public.

Bellwood-Antis is going to follow in their footsteps and agree with them, resulting in DelGrosso’s sauce plant and the park to be shut down.


Finally, in order to be less offensive to our sensitive athletes, the scores of every Backyard Brawl game against Tyrone have been changed to 100-0 in favor of the Blue Devils so that B-A is now undefeated in the football rivalry with a record of 84-0.

Junior football star, Jayden Bartlebaugh, exclaimed how ecstatic he was for these changes to be made. He said, “It makes me feel so much better about myself. The past has really gotten me down, especially because of our record against Tyrone. That was always hard to look at. But, this is the best thing B-A has done in years!”

Bellwood-Antis is now on track to being one of the most up-to-date and woke towns in all of Pennsylvania!